I lay a beach towel
Over a history
My privilege prevented me
From having to understand
Pretending life on top of the towel
Was all that existed
But not being able
To venture too far off the towel
Because I would see things
That crushed the farce

Racism
Is in the way I
We
Only accept the Good
Parts of ourselves
Deny the negative
Need people of color
To exist as the Bad parts
Because we can’t accept
Those parts of ourselves

I am going to run in the basement
When we get home
I tell her

I instantly feel better
Both because
Of the change in subject
And because I have found
My shield

I grew up
Running
To numb myself
Or was it
To wake myself up
From all the numbing
The forgetting
How I felt
To be what they wanted

Running has never
Just been exercise for me
It is coping
It is freedom
It is my path to access my shine

Do not quietly erase
Your wrong doings
Claim them
As trophies
Of your growth
Shout of them
From mountains
Use them
To set yourself
And others free

I want my god
To be a woman

I catch myself
Thinking of a him
When I remember to be present
In the moment
Sitting here with me
Cozied right up next to my heart
Giving me strength
Keeping me company

But I still want him
To be a she
I know she being a he
Is why
I am quiet in rooms of people
Yield to dominance
Listen to men in power

I need to know
A woman
Can exist
Next to my heart
To start

I used to believe
I was a fraud
Disguised as a normal adult
For the way my motivation could
Leak out
The bottom of my heal
Throughout the day
And put me on my couch
Thinking ordering food
Was too much work
Letting my phone go unanswered
Because giving out energy
To even my favorite people
Seemed impossible
But slowly I discovered
The dark times
Gave me a superpower
I can recognize the pain in others
Feel it as if it’s happening to me
Instead of putting me in a dark room
It sets me on fire
To fight for them
My loss of motivation led to the most sacred calling

Racism is neatly folded
Into the recesses of my mind
Delivered to my past systematically
Without fanfare or
Prickly emotions
Woven into my upbringing
Without acknowledgement
It takes
Painful intricate precision
To go back and surgically remove it
From my mind
And then bravery to apologize
To the loved ones I have hurt
Before I was conscious of the harm
I was inflicting on them
But it is with urgency
This work must be done
Black lives depend on this

When the winds
Of others’ desires
Have my sails
Whipping there and back
It helps to remember
A sail boat
Is always a canoe
Fold away the sails
Retreat into
My calm
To intentionally paddle in the direction
My being knows
Without speaking

My apartment
Gets late evening sunlight
For 15 minutes
As the sun bounces off
A third story window
Directly into my face
As I sit at my table writing
That or
My neighbor
Owns the sun
Keeps it locked up
In their room
And shares it with me
When they feel
I am following my calling

You asked me about
Tacos
But your strong shoulders
And stubble
Wrapped my mind
In a memory of feelings
I didn’t know
I was clinging to
There was confusion in your eyes
As my face closed off
Unconsciously attempting to protect myself
Chicken, beef, sweet potato.
No.
Cold shoulder.